COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE
“And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created [them] from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, ‘FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH’? “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”” (Mt 19:4-6 NAS95)
Why would we, should we, and do we get married? Jesus said it is written that we should get married because made us male and female. Marriage is intended to join the male and female together so that they become one flesh. By design this is God’s plan. And it is a good plan that is foundational to God’s purpose for Man. Because of its importance it is the focal point of Satan’s attack.
Presently in the United States of America we are suffering greatly because of the effective dismantling of the family. The attacks are coming on every front and the God given family structure is crumbling before our eyes. Yet we cannot allow ourselves to succumb to calls for surrender, rather it is a time to shore up the breaches and strengthen that which yet remains. We need to boldly proclaim the truth of God’s Word to everyone who will listen. Only through the truths of God’s Word can young people find guidance for true happiness and fulfillment.
We need to rescue young people from a culture that is sending them on a futile unending search for happiness. We are raising the most indulged generation that has ever existed. They literally are reaping what others have sown and squandering it as if there is no tomorrow. In spite of this they are angry and dissatisfied. They drown themselves in over indulgence of food, liquor, drugs, music, video, internet, and sex. And still they are not happy. It would have been easier to help them at an early age to set them on a better path, the one God had designed. But we must continue to try to turn them to the ways of the Lord before they have children of their own.
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD.” (Pr 18:22 NAS95)
Our culture over the last 50 years has increasingly undermined the value and importance of marriage. Especially in our education system there has been an emphasis on individual autonomy rather than preparation for marriage. This was driven in part by the increasing marriage failure through divorce. But the emphasis on individual autonomy accentuated and contributed to the families decline rather than mend the problem. The truth is there were many factors contributing to the struggling family structure. Underlying all these factors was a culture that was drifting away from the Biblical based moral values that were so prevalent in forming our society.
But because God has made us male and female, Biblical marriage is still the answer to rescuing society, or at least a family from destruction. One of the great challenges for our young people in our decaying society is finding a good wife or husband. For the truth still remains that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord. Man’s attempt to reinvent himself is just not working. Designed intent and purpose still works best and it comes with God’s blessing.
Face it, if we want to find happiness, fulfillment, and purpose, then marriage is usually the best path to take. But for marriage to work correctly and bring us that happiness and fulfillment we have to do it right. As I stated earlier marriage is under attack. Four hundred years of laws created to protect and preserve marriage have been nullified. But it is in the Law of God that we must put our trust in. Following God’s “Law of Love” provides the safety and protection needed to safeguard this sacred relationship. Before we are ready for marriage we must first establish our relationship with Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. It is only our confidence in God and His Word that prepares us to make the bold move of committing ourselves in a lifelong union of marriage.
“There be three [things which] are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.” (Pr 30:18-19 AV)
The romance of a man and woman is probably the most dominate theme in all of literature. Men and women are naturally attracted to each other, sometimes beginning at an early age. We can and should expect people to naturally be attracted to someone of the opposite sex. What is surprising sometimes is which person a person is attracted to. Sometimes the reasons for that attraction seem to be obvious, like physical beauty or pleasant personality. Other times we just scratch our head and wonder, what really is the driving force for differing attractions? Rather than getting to deep in analyzing this phenomenon, let’s just accept it as a gift from God to connect male and female to fulfill His design for man.
The big question, which always arises in one form or another, is how do we get the right ones connected together? How do we avoid the wrong connections? One of the reasons that these questions become so important is because some marriages seem to be much better than others. The failure rate of marriages in our present time and place increases our anxiety, so much so that many are abandoning the institution of marriage altogether.
Finding a proper mate is a challenge in our present culture, in spite of the technological tools available. The demise of church and family structure has hampered the search process. But every time and place has had its challenges. We must first begin our search by making our request known to our father in heaven. After all it is His approval that is most important. It also serves as a reminder of the most important criterion of our search. A godly mate is a necessity for a godly seeker. This principle narrows our search by restricting where we look and what we look for. A lot of frustration can be eliminated if we restrict where we look. Patience is of the utmost importance in allowing God to bless or search.
Logically not everyone of the opposite sex would be a good match, even if they are a godly person. We are all different and those differences can be complimented in different ways. But there is a wide selection of possibilities that can serve to be complimentary to each of us. We have the individual choice to widen or narrow our selection, each choice having its consequence. Our spiritual and emotion makeup serve to complicate the process at this point. Much of it falls under the mystery of a man with a maid. Obviously this is how God made us, but while we are influenced by our emotions and desires we cannot allow ourselves to be ruled by them. To understand this better we need to consider love as broken down into four categories. In the New Testament there were four words in the Greek that were translated to English as the words love or charity. Examining their different meanings may help our understanding of a health relationship needed for a good marriage.
Briefly described the four loves are:
Storge: Affection Love – enjoying something or someone
Phileo: Friendship Love – Friendship love, arising out of companionship, common interest
Eros: Romantic Love – emotional, most felt, being in love
Agape: Divine Love – It gives and asks nothing in return – unselfish love
Ideally these four loves are present in marriage, because each of them adds to the relationship. In fact it is only in marriage that all four of these should come together.
Storge, affection love, is the most general of the types of love. We experience this love because we simple enjoy a person or a thing. There can be a multitude of diverse reasons why we love a person in this way, but is has to do with our pleasure or enjoyment.
Phileo is a friendship love. It arises out of a mutual feeling of companionship or common interest. It is also called brotherly love because it is the love that binds people together because of their connection through family. This can be a very enduring love as those involved are pointed in the same direction.
Eros is romantic love. It can be a wonderful light or a scorching fire. Eros is being in love. It is sexual and not. It seeks one and only one person. It is rooted deeply in the emotions and a careful analysis would destroy it. This love provides the greatest incentive for marriage.
Agape is often called the divine love. It is most adequately illustrated by God’s love for us as revealed through Christ Jesus. This is the highest and most unselfish of the loves. It is not natural and often goes against our natures. This love does not arise out of desire but out of choice. As a product of resolve it is resilient and enduring. It gives and requires nothing in return.
Marriages have become unstable in our time and place simply because we have removed the requirement of agape love as a foundation. A vow of love that will endure until death parts us is a love base on a resolved commitment. This love is not contingent upon the actions of our spouse.
To Marry or Not To Marry
“”And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” The disciples *said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.”” (Mt 19:9-10 NAS95)
Indeed marriage is serious business. That is why it is important that both parties enter this union with resolve. For when it is done correctly there are great rewards. Marriage is not always easy, but without the commitment of both parties the rewards will not be fully realized. It is easy sometimes when confronted with the required commitment to forget the benefits of the three other aspects of this loving relationship. Leading up to the wedding the emotional elements can carry us along, but it is the commitment that provides the safety and security that ensure a long and prosperous relationship. A committed relationship should be filled with pleasure while also being instrumental in fulfilling the purposes of God.
If a relationship of a man and his wife is to be like this then is it better for a man not to marry? Many people come to this conclusion when it seems to them that their spouse has become unreasonable. And for many who struggle with a spouse whose commitment is waning, they begin to wonder if marriage is really worth the risk. For someone who has not yet committed in marriage the question of risk becomes an important consideration, especially if you take Jesus commands seriously. If the marriage bond is so binding, aren’t we risking our future prosperity and happiness by putting it in the hands of another person? How do we know we can trust that person? How do we know they won’t change? Why can I believe that we can make it when so many have failed?
The questions can be endless, simply because none of us can foresee the future. At best we can only assess a person’s present character, and even that assessment is very limited. What we are really looking for is someone who will be committed to us enough to love us until death parts us. Since we probably know ourselves better than anyone else would, and are well aware of our flaws, we are again struck with the hopelessness of the situation. After all where could I find someone who would be this devoted to me after they really get to know me? If I did find that person, wouldn’t they be too good to deserve me? How do we resolve these questions? Faith in God and His Word only can bring us peace.
We are drawn to the prospects of marriage because of God given us desires that are intended to find fulfillment in this most intimate of relationships. This is not just a cruel trick of God that is doomed for failure from the start. It can and does work if we follow the council of God. We have many examples of people who have gone on before us that have proven the Word of God to be faithful and true. If we are to have a successful marriage it has to be rooted in our faith in God.
Since God has said that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing, then it is good to seek a wife. I have touched briefly on some basics that help lay the groundwork of our search. When a godly man finds a godly woman and they come together in a love agreement the groundwork has been done. The next question that can be asked is: Is there any reason that these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony? Sometimes this question has been asked during the wedding ceremony, which may be an awkward time to answer this question. We should have already asked God this question in our prayer. If there is no objection from God or the family members that matter, then it is time to move on to the planning and implementing the marriage.
The only real assurance of a good and lasting marriage is our confidence in God and His Word. That is why we seek a godly spouse, one who has declared Jesus as Lord is walking in faith. Even so it isn’t our confidence in ourselves or the person we marry that is most important, but it is our confidence that God will bless if we follow Him. We cannot allow ourselves to be distracted with the excuses of those who have failed marriages. Neither can we allow ourselves to hesitate because of the fears of those who don’t enter into marriage. Any marriage can be successful if we will simply trust God. I am not saying that it is always easy. I am saying that if we trust God and love as he commanded then He will bless.
The one thing that can hinder and destroy marriage is unfaithfulness. The power and responsibility of faithfulness lies in our hands. If we know and understand what constitutes a firm foundation for marriage, then we can guard against those things that undermine and destroy that foundation. The commitment of agape love is that foundation of faithfulness. This commitment finds its power in our confidence (faith) in God and His plan for man. So, unfaithfulness is a symptom of unbelief. The strongest defense against unbelief is truth. God’s Word is truth. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. In the letter to the Ephesians we are encouraged to put on the whole armor of God. It is the shield of faith that can quench the fiery doubts directed toward us from the enemy of our souls. If we remember where these doubts come from and that our confidence lies in unfaltering truth, then doubt is quenched and we stand firm.
Remember it will be our confidence in God that will enable us to overcome every obstacle that stands between us and an enduring marriage. Never forget the many blessings the God has designed to bless us with through the institution of marriage. Many of these blessing can only be experienced through marriage. Let me name a few.
Companionship, an ally, a helper, one who walks along side
Participant in the process of creation of life
Love and all of its aspects
Accountability and constant reminder of those things most important
A learning environment
A testing environment
A mirror to help us understand ourselves
Foundation of family and building of relationships
Experiencing Man, male and female God created Man.
When Should a Man and Woman Get Married?
“But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.” (1Co 13:13 NAS95)
In a society in which good marriages are the exception rather than the rule there is the tendency to allow fear to rule. I have briefly laid out the basic fundamentals of the marriage relationship. Understanding these fundamentals and a willingness to comply with the laws of God qualify a person for the marriage relationship. The mutual attractions that bring a qualified couple together set the stage for a godly union. Once a couple reaches a point in which they are comfortably certain of each other’s character, then it is probably time to move on and get married. In most cases (assuming they are qualified by the above criterion) the sooner they get married the better.
Often the fear of failure causes people to hesitate. The excuses of those who try to justify their divorce are simply faulty excuses. Marriages do not fail because people got married too young. There are a lot of advantages to getting married young; it would take a chapter to expound upon them. Marriages do not fail because you married the wrong person. More likely it is because people do the wrong things. Marriages fail because people do not trust God. The events of life will test every marriage, which is why commitment is so important.
“Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.” (1Pe 4:8 NAS95)
So why do I say sooner is better? Marriage is God’s plan for man. It is the environment in which we grow best. Many areas of our growth are stifled in the solitude of singleness. We have a tendency toward selfishness which is undermined by our commitment toward another. God centered marriage helps to keep us on track to develop good relationships. Our youth is the time we are most easily formed. Even beyond the character and spiritual development there are many physical reasons that make good sense. If we are waiting, what are we waiting for? Occasionally there is a good reason to wait, but it shouldn’t be those superficial reasons that are rooted in selfishness or the psychology of the age.
Trust God and His design. Marriage can be a tool in God’s hand to develop your character and fulfill his plan for mankind.
Bob Gunderson